


Fatigue

by jengae_malice



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Confessions, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Insecurity, M/M, Mentioned WayV Ensemble, New Year's Eve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28407060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jengae_malice/pseuds/jengae_malice
Summary: Kun was tired.Not physically but mentally.He was tired of everything.But every fatigue is different.
Relationships: Qian Kun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

Kun was tired.

Not physically but mentally. 

He was tired of everything.

When he joined SM, young and sort of naïve, he hoped to become a singer, a musician, an artist but he became nothing of the sort. Yes he was singing and performing on stage in front of fans at least until the beginning of this year. But the song were meaningless, formatted to sell easily to fans eager to spend their money. He wanted more, he wanted to create and he did so but he knew the agency would never give him the chance to really put his work on the forefront. Too scared to produce songs that might not sell well. He was tired of who he was, at least in front of cameras. 

Yes, Kun was kind and could be seen has motherly sometimes, but he was more than that. He was a young adult with his pain, anger and all other emotions that he couldn’t show. He was stuck in this mother of the group image, with it often came a low popularity. It was tiring to be a joke in his own group. Even if he knew that his member didn’t think that way about him, it was the reality . 

NCT2020 confirmed to him everything he thought. His photocards flooded the market, at the lowest prices. Always the least viewed member or the one who sells the least. He really was tired of it all, if he could he would leave already. Sue SM and flee back in China, but would thing be better there? He didn’t know.

This year had probably made thing worst. He was stuck in the dorms with his groupmates. They did get along for the most part of it. Playing pretend in front of the camera was never hard thanks to it. But being stuck with minimal work for most of the year was not easy. 

Winwin spent most of his time in his room doing nothing except cleaning the common spaces. They were not particularly close, not that Winwin was close to anyone to begin with. 

Xiaojun and Hendery were always together and took care of the pets. They did grew closer thanks to all of this, but not Kun. 

Yangyang, only gods know what he was doing, most of the time was out. Lucas and ten were busy most of the time thanks to SuperM. 

Kun and Ten were sort of friends. They were a thing for a few weeks back in their trainee days but it didn’t last long. Feelings amiss or teenage lust. A certain closeness and distance between the two.

Kun did like Lucas. The younger even though the definition of a jock on and off camera, had always been nicer to Kun. Helping around the house, only helping Kun on his share of the chores. Other than that they were not particularly close.

Kun was alone in the most horrible way, alone but surrounded by people.

Here was tired Kun, standing in front of the bathroom door, audible sobbing coming from the other side. He was probably the worst one to cheer up whoever was on the other side, but did he really have a choice. It was Christmas eve and all the other members were out with either their family or friends. And Kun was alone as usual, his family too poor to afford a trip to Seoul, at least officially.  
Kun had no idea of who would be on the other side and just knocked, a simple and gentle knock. Hoping that it would be gentle enough that no one would hear it.

The sobbing stopped and a faint yes went through the door. It was too faint for Kun to recognize the owner. Kun just stood there reflecting on how to abord the conversation. Before words could be articulated the door opened. Lucas was standing there head low avoiding the gaze of whoever was standing in front of him, hoping to flee to his room quickly. The pink and blue socks alerting him that Kun was the one to uncover him. His gaze immediately moving to the older’s eyes, a forced grin creeping on his face. Kun was no fool and knew that something was wrong, and not even that sweet smile could dupped him. When the eyes were red and puffy, dry tears imbed on both cheeks.

“What’s wrong Lucas?” was all Kun’s brain could come up with.

“Ah nothing, I just knocked my elbow on something.” Simple and direct but a lie, one that even a child could see through. Like a child Lucas smoothly tried to pass through Kun his room as destination.

“What are you doing home then? You said you were going to eat out with your parents.” Quickly whispered Kun trying to sound calm and reassuring while grabbing the younger by the arm.

Silence took over the scene. Kun still holding Lucas by the arm. It wasn’t a comfortable silence neither an awkward one. It was filled by this wait, this wait for Lucas to collect his thought, this wait for him to articulate himself, this wait to see if another lie would be webbed.

“I……. My parents texted me this morning. They can’t come. Rather they prefer to go see my brother in Beijing. Again.” Sadness filled Lucas’s voice. It was the first time Kun heard that tone from the younger. The first time Lucas was openly sad about something. To say that Kun was prepared for that situation would be a lie. Kun could see a part of his own sadness in Lucas. He too was push aside for someone else by his own parents, a lie to protect him from the harsh truth. 

The silence was once again filling the space. Kun was facing the back of the younger. It always had in a way. He thought Lucas had an easier life. Being tall and good looking had favored him so much in his career. No real talent was behind his success. Lucas was no singer, dancer or rapper. He was just tall and good looking. And his life was easier. At least that’s what Kun had assumed and accepted, no jealousy or ill feeling. Right now that back, he was so used to watch, had a crack. A crack in a person that seemed to be filled with joy, laughter and success. 

Kun realized they were the same. Kun always presented himself as strong to his groupmate and everyone else. In reality he was always close to crumbling down. Without giving a second thought, his grip let loose, being replaced by his arms hugging the younger.

Silence, a hug, warmth and tears. It was their world. For a minute or more. The tears stopped eventually. Lucas turning around to hug back. A comfortable silence filled with warmth. No words where needed. Kun’s legs were sore from a long day. Loosening the hug, his head slowly rising, moving Lucas’s head which had been resting on his own. Locking eyes. As if the younger understood, the hug stopped, hands falling down into one another. Lucas lead Kun to his shared room with Winwin, who was on a trip in china to see his family. They just sat, no word for a while, hands still locked. Eyes lost in the distance of a dark room.

“I am sorry. I shouldn’t have broken down like that in front of you.” Lucas whispered guilt napping his voice hushed by the crying.

“Don’t be. It’s your right to be. Just don’t keep those feelings to yourself. Talk with someone, whoever you feel would be a good listener. Because there was more to it than just your parents not coming. Okay?” It sounded more like Kun was saying these to himself than to Lucas. But it made no difference as long as they could bring some comfort.

“What about you then? Do you have someone to listen?”

“No… But I am used to it. I am the leader after all.” If Lucas could define numb it would be just the tone Kun employed. The older has cried to but he was numb. As if those were not the first tears and neither the last ones.

“Kun, you shouldn’t have to get used to it. You’re a good person, a kind one, probably the kindest one. Even when you are mean or angry or whiny or childish or annoyed, you stay the kindest person I know.”

“Ah.. thank you Lucas. But being kind doesn’t get you far. No matter what I always hope for the best in people, and always get let down. I hoped to become an artist, a singer. But here I am doing nothing except act like a mother figure to people that don’t really care about me. People that became whatever we are for attention or just money. No one care about old fat mother Kun. No matter how kind he is. I am used to it, and nothing will change that.” Kun was staring at the ceiling numb and ironizing his situation.

“That’s not true. People care about you. Yes some don’t but do they really care that much about anything else? Some of us became idol for money or attention but that doesn’t mean we don’t care about one another. Life isn’t fair and ours even less, that’s why we have one another, I know realize. If you were tall like me, you would be the most popular member. But if I was your size, I am not even sure SM would have scouted me.  
Here I am the most popular member out of the seven of us and what do I have to offer? I will never be a good singer average at best. I don’t rap that well compared to Mark or Taeyong. I am no dancer, sure I can do our choreographies but that’s it. I am just a good looking guy with good proportions, who somehow got launched at the front of my group. My parents are too ashamed of me to even come see their son once since I got scouted.” Lucas paused obvious feelings stuck in his throat that a calm respiration brought down. “I am only popular because of my good looks, and I am proud of them, but I wish I could have some other talent. Yes, my fans will defend me, saying I am a good rapper or dancer or even singer. Because who would admit that their favorite idol is just a good looking guy. There is nothing wrong with it but that’s how things works. If it was up to me you would get all the spotlight I get. You deserve it. Ever since I joined the agency, you were always hard working and eager to be on stage. And you always shine the most when you sing in front of a public. I always cared about you more than any other.”

Silence.

Lucas feeling lighter by finally saying out loud all his thoughts.

Kun realizing how insecure about himself Lucas was.

Lucas realizing that he also confessed his secret crush on the older.

Kun feeling lost at the sudden confession.

That feeling of love or attractiveness wasn’t something Kun was used to. Before coming to Korea he never felt something for someone. Here he had a thing with Ten. But it wasn’t love. It had been a sudden lust for someone else. Kun always knew that he was different from other. Back home he couldn’t be too different so he buried it. Ten had allow him to explore that difference. But when things stopped so did Kun. Kun didn’t know who he was in some way. Every time he felt that feeling again, especially with another trainee or member he buried it again. No matter how many times that feeling came back.

To say that feeling was never directed at Lucas would be a lie.

But did he also like or even love the younger?

He didn’t know.

Bury it or embrace it.

Potentially ruin something, or rather someone, or give himself a chance for what might be happiness.

Kun needed to choose.

Kun was tired.

Kun was tired of everything.


	2. Chapter 2

Kun was tired.

Days are short.

Night are long.

But Kun doesn’t rest. The year is coming to an end. Usually Kun doesn’t like that night, passing into a new year isn’t that fun when you are alone. But it’s different right now.   
2021 is filled with promises. Promises of better days, to see their fan for the first time in so long and many other. Kun looks forward to it and for once he will not be alone.

Christmas had bring is lot of heartache. A confession and a realization. Kun gave no response to it, instead hugging the younger. A hug to buy himself time to make peace with himself. 

“Lucas, I am not ready for something like that, I need time for me. I need to figure out a few things for me and you too.” Murmured Kun, still hugging Lucas tight.

“I am sorry, I shouldn’t have confess like that; I hope it will not change our relationship..”

“No wait I don’t mean it like that.” Kun abruptly interrupting backing off from the hug to look lucas in the eyes. “I need time to figure out who I am, what I feel. Saying yes to you, jumping in a relationship, when I am not a state to give you what you need would hurt us both. To be honest I don’t know if I like men or women or both or more. All I know is that you are different from others.”

Silence was becoming a constant, but this one was uncomfortable. This silence was unfair, to who it was hard to tell.

“Then what if we just casually date. Just hang out together. When you have an answer for me or when you’re ready you give me your answer”

A simple deal, one that seems win-win, but could be lose-lose. One that Kun had accepted, even when his brain kept telling him not to.

Now new year’s coming, kun isn’t alone, Lucas is here. He has been here for a week now. Be it at schedules, at home, in the car or even for just grocery shopping, Lucas is there with Kun. He still is his   
dumb jock self but he is sweet to Kun. Their “dates” simply being hanging out in one of their bedroom watching a movie, talking or just in silence. Winwin being in absent was a good excuse for them to spent a few nights together. Explaining the tiredness Kun felt.

Kun has figured most things out. He likes people, what their heart has to say is more important to him than the rest. He doesn’t know how it’s called, he couldn’t find anything in Chinese or even Korean   
about it. He tried to search in English but it was a bit too complicated for him to pinpoint exactly what described him the most.

Lucas had promised to make new year special. It was special for sure. They were sitting together, eating some instant noodles, on the roof of their dorm. Lucas probably thought it would be romantic and somehow found the key to the roof. It sure was romantic to have a view of the night city like that. But it was cold, freezing, the wind making it worse. The finished noodles giving no additional warmth any longer.

“So what do you think? It’s nice right. Got the key from the concierge.” Lucas boasted with the biggest smile on his face. It sure was nice for him, taking one of the company sleeping bag and wearing it. Meanwhile Kun was freezing in his jacket not knowing he would spend the night here.

“Lucas, it sure is nice and kinda romantic, but I am freezing to death right now. I am this close to go back inside and dump your ass here.” Deadpanned Kun with the most serious face he could gather.

“Oh sorry wait… uh… what if you came in my sleeping bag? It’s big enough for the two of us If you sit on my laps.” Lucas said looking more like a predator who caught his prey than anything else.

“ Okay, I am going down now. You have a nice time here.” Kun quickly got up ready to walk to the door and go back to the warm comfort of inside.

“No really come here, I promise I won’t do anything.” Lucas rushed to say, clumsily getting up, almost falling over due to the impractical sleeping bag.

Kun looked back at Lucas holding a laugh. “Pinky promise?”

“Pinky promise.” Grinned Lucas, a reassuring grin not his usual cocky one.

Kun walked back to Lucas. The younger sitting again and opening his sleeping bag. After pulling his shoes off, Kun slipped inside the bag carefully sitting on Lucas’s laps. The bag was shut close quickly.   
Warmth. The bag was warm, sure it was meant to be but Lucas had heated it to the perfect temperature. The cap kept the two from freezing their heads. It was comfortable but Kun kept worrying if it was for Lucas too. But the light humming escaping from his lips was enough for Kun to know it was okay.

They sat there for a while, talking or enjoying the silence with all the noises from the busy city below them. 

Being homesick was common for Kun. He had grew used to it. Missing home, his parents, his friend, childhood memories long gone now. But for the first in years, he wasn’t feeling it, he felt home. Here, somewhere so foreign and familiar at the same time. He felt home in Lucas’s embrace.

And he liked being home.

He liked Lucas. Or he might love him.

But what mattered is that he wanted more, more days, more kisses, more dates, more hugs, more nights together, more time. But mainly more silences together.

As the clock strike midnight, as the fireworks light up the sky of colors, as the new year settle in, as Lucas’s face lights up with a childish wonder by the view. 

Kun confesses.

“Lucas, I like you.” Simple and direct truth, one that even a child would know how true it is.

A kiss, a warm kiss filed with emotions. 

It was no firework, it was warm and comfortable. 

That kiss was a start. A start for a lot of things. First for them and to this night.

Kissing this close to one another, in that position, led to a long night for Kun.

Nights are long.

Days are short.

Kun was tired.

Kun was happy.

A happy fatigue, a welcomed one, for the first time.


End file.
